I just finished watching one of this summer’s blockbusters, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, courtesy of my Netflix queue.  It wasn’t the worst movie I’d ever seen–not even the worst I’ve seen this year, but it wasn’t what I’d call “good,” either.

The most disappointing thing about the film, in my opinion, is that they messed things up just enough to kill the franchise before it even got started.  This could’ve been the start of a great run of fun G.I. Joe summer movies–instead, I think the series is DOA.

It didn’t have to be this way.  If only they’d made some different choices along the way, I think they could’ve kept much of the action and effects that the younger fans need, while still paying service to the older fans and introducing an updated, relevant group that could come back even bigger in consecutive seasons.

Here’s what I would’ve done differently if I was running the show.  (Beware, spoilers abound.)

• Make both Joe and Cobra fledgling groups, not established superpowers. I know it might’ve been too cliche to go with the usual “origin story” and have Hawk assemble the team just for the sake of this first mission.  But they could’ve started with a core group already in operation and then added Duke and Ripcord without having the super tech, underground base, thousands of operatives and mega budget that they have from the beginning of this film.  They only focused on five or six Joes, anyway–they didn’t need the hundreds of anonymous cannon fodder.  And Cobra could’ve been a secret terrorist group just acquiring its tech and going public–without the undersea base, unstoppable army and superior vehicles/weapons.   It took away from the character development to have so much technology and such big forces against each other.  And it’ll make it even harder to go bigger in the next movie.  I would’ve loved to see Cobra as a group of five or six people (Commander, Baroness, Destro, a few more), supplying arms, direction and unity to terrorist cells aimed at the US, and the Joes as a black ops team of specialists put together as a countermeasure.  Not Cobra as a Global force with limitless funds and the Joes as their UN equals.
• Get rid of the stupid cybersuits. Having the two protagonists wear armor for most of the major battles allowed for too much CGI, much of it unrealistic.  Also, when you can never see the characters’ faces, it removes a lot of the tension from the fights, making them more like rock ‘em sock ‘em robots than heroes and villains.  Also, while G.I. Joe has always been about the characters’ individual specialties, the battle suits make them all the same, removing any individuality that would’ve made them interesting.  Instead, make their missions more fitting to their abilities/nicknames, and let them live out what we all made the action figures do when we were younger.  (As in, Ripcord jumped from planes, Breaker ran communication, Heavy Duty busted skulls, etc.)
  

  Nice forehead veins, dude.

• Do better with Snake Eyes’ costume. Man, that was just stupid, right?  Why does it have an etched mouth when he never talks and can’t eat or drink through it?  And why is his visor so massive?  What does a Ninja need with the world’s biggest Ray Charles glasses?  Also, I’m getting pretty sick of superhero costumes being so padded with muscle.  I think Ray Park was a poor choice for Snake Eyes, anyway (too short and stocky), but he’s already muscular and ninjas are normally lithe.  Just have him wear form-fitting–but not padded–clothes.  We’ll still see the muscles.  Storm Shadow had a better costume, and was a hundred times more interesting…which is sad, since Snake Eyes should’ve been the fan payoff in this film.
• Redirect the comedy relief. Having Ripcord constantly cut bad jokes and make stupid blunders wasn’t really funny.  Instead, it just made it even more unbelievable that he would get into the Joes.  But there were plenty of other opportunities for comedy.  They could’ve used the many things that makes the show funny to a modern audience–the “knowing is half the battle” lessons the characters are always teaching to kids, the gayness of some of the character concepts (*ahem* Shipwreck, anyone?), the constant inability to hit a target for Cobra’s android troopers, the fact that the team constantly cheered itself on at any opportunity (“Go, Joe!”), the fact that Cobra Commander is really a whiny bitch, etc.  Nobody was going to take this movie seriously, anyway, especially with character names like “Dr. Mindbender”–and the directors went for comedy more than drama half of the time.  Why not give people the jokes they expected, rather than inserting a Wayans brother at random?
• Ease up on the interconnectivity of every freaking character. Did The Baroness have to be Duke’s ex-girlfriend?  Did Stormshadow and Snake Eyes have to battle for the first time as super-violent ten-year-olds?  Did Cobra Commander have to be The Baroness’s little brother, and Duke’s former brother-in-law-to-be?  If none of those characters had a history with any other character, there still could’ve been plenty of drama and intrigue.  They don’t all have to be kissing cousins–it comes off like a soap opera.  And the original series may’ve been a lot of things, but it was never a soap opera.  Heck, there was never any character backstory (except for Snake Eyes), so why overdo it for the film?  Some of that could’ve been saved for the sequel.
• Cast the film better. The actors playing Duke, Scarlett, Heavy Duty and Breaker were all okay (though Heavy Duty and Breaker weren’t given much to work with), and on the Cobra side, the guys playing Destro, Zartan and Storm Shadow were each solid (especially Storm Shadow).  Beyond that, I don’t think the casting directors made another good decision.  Sienna Miller had no sex appeal or mystery, two things the original Baroness had in spades, even as a 2D cartoon character.  Dennis Quaid mailed it in as Hawk.  Marlon Wayans played the same slapstick black sidekick character we’ve seen too many times.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt was ridiculous as Cobra Commander (a shame, because I like him in other things).  Even the smaller roles were off–they cast a Brit as the American President and had Brendan Fraser inexplicably appear as “Sgt. Stone” to train the new Joes, only to ham up the few seconds of screen time he got.  They could’ve used unknowns for half of the roles (similar to what they did for Storm Shadow) and gotten better performances.

I would’ve really liked to see something smaller in cast and technology–but bigger in character moments and build-up.  Basically, Batman Begins for the G.I. Joe franchise.  Let us see the team come to life over two hours.  At the end of the film, instead of saying, “Well, that really sucked on every level,” I wish I could say, “Okay, this has potential.  Let’s see where they take it from here.”  As mediocre as they were, the first few X-Men movies got us into the spirit of the story, then gave us things to wish for (“I hope Gambit’s in the next film!” etc.).  But this film went far from the spirit of the original series, ruined the introductions of several characters and gave us nothing to look forward to in the next film.  Sure, they left us with an interesting cliffhanger ending, but only interesting if we can lose the characters and devices they introduced in this film and follow that cliffhanger with a completely different team.

Not a stellar film debut for one of my favorite childhood memories.  But it could be worse, I suppose.  It could’ve been Superman Returns.