television: March 2005 Archives
Have you noticed that I haven't had a new post in the "read" category for the past few months? I haven't read more than a Maxim article since we had baby number two, and I can feel my intelligence dropping.
I have, however, been watching a lot of TV. One of the shows I've been following this season is American Idol. I've watched it for several seasons, but I think this latest version may have more overall talent than any of the others. Even if the accumulated talent is better, there doesn't seem to be a single contestant rising up to challenge frontrunner Carrie Underwood for the crown.
Because I see potential in all of the remaining ten participants, here are some suggestions for each one that could be all they need to take home the gold.
Anthony Fedorov - Dude, if you're going to have an obvious physical handicap, you should at least try to get some sympathy for it. From now on, use one of those artificial larynx devices whenever you have to do any non-singing communication, such as when you repeat your phone number on-air. I know you don't really need it, but once the fans hear the robotic buzzing and realize what your voice could sound like, they'll better appreciate you. Oh, and try to sing something other than eighties power ballads once in a while.
Anwar Robinson - How old are you? So far, you've yet to sing anything from this decade...or even the last twenty years of the previous century. The one upbeat song you did (when you could have picked any number one hit, ever) was a song originally performed by a female, thirty years ago. You know, people are still making new music. It didn't end in the seventies. There are good songs being produced every day. If you keep singing songs your mama liked, Anwar, you'll soon be back home watching the show with her, from the living room couch. Talent doesn't overcome boredom.
Constantine Maroulis - Yeah, way to stay true to your roots, rocker. Seal, Sting, David Cassidy...I guess you hail from the "adult contemporary" school of rock. I can't figure out why the girls like you, but since they do, I won't suggest changing your appearance. I can suggest, however, that you perform at least one actual rock song someday. Otherwise, you might as well whip your own ass, to save your embarassed bandmates the trouble of doing it when you return to NYC. Who knows, within the context of a rock song, your random screams will actually make sense for once.
Jessica Sierra - The voice is there, but your look could use some help. You just don't look near as hot as you sound (you have some sexy pipes), but you dress like you're trying to look as sexy. Something about your style shouts "underage prostitute." Start dressing for class and grace, and let the fans deal with the conflict between your sultry sound and a dignified look. You don't have to play to our baser instincts. Then again, the boobies were nice a few weeks ago.
Nadia Turner - Hey, the mohawk rocked. It was the song that stunk. You know you don't have the best voice (and if you don't know, Paula will remind you with her backhanded compliments each week). So don't pick complicated songs. Stick with the fun, upbeat, "get up and dance" tunes, and teach faux-rocker Constantine what attitude is all about. By the way, you have the best bod in the competition so you might as well use what you have. Carrie Underwood may have better range than you, but she'll never have your legs or abs.
Nikko Smith - For you, Nikko, it's all about song choice. So far, you've been spot on. By sticking within the realm of Stevie Wonder and his soundalikes, you've found your groove. So why were you voted off once already? You have the sex appeal of a 60-year-old nun. Can you sing without your glasses? I mean, this isn't karaoke, is it? And it wouldn't hurt you to lose the hat and three-piece suits, either. Maybe you could dress like the youngsters for once and show the world that you can be a little Nelly sometimes, not just another singing Steve Urkel.
Bo Bice - Bo, are you dating Carrie? I'm guessing you are. Two frontrunners from different sides of the tracks, the innocent farmgirl and the jaded rocker. It's like a John Hughes movie. But the reality is that your possible flame is going to wipe the stage with you if you don't start relating to the fans. Sure, you're one of the most talented and experienced guys up there, but did your band play anything written after 1979? You had the choice of every number one song last week, and you picked a Jim Croce tune. Um, he's dead, right? So he's not even around to appreciate your tribute. Let me ask you, have you ever heard of grunge? It was a rock style popularized in the nineties that combined the balladry of hair rock with the harder guitar riffs and angry tones of acid rock or punk. It screamed disenfranchisement, and fathered the current spat of alt-rock and new metal. You have the look, dude, why not try one of the songs? I think you'd rock doing a Pearl Jam ditty. And the twelve-year-olds hitting redial on Tuesday nights won't stand for much more peace rock.
Carrie Underwood - Well, since you're so obviously leading the pack (heck, Simon predicts you'll be bigger than the Beetles!), you don't have much to change. I would try to either lose some weight or ditch the clingy clothing. It's okay to look modest, but nobody digs fat chicks (ask the re-slimmed Kelly Clarkson!). Also, no more big hair. I know it was a tribute, but it looked a little too natural on a farmgirl like yourself. Other than that, keep on keeping on, and hope you don't run out of Faith Hill/Martina McBride songs before the competition ends.
Scott Savol - Dude, you're not cool. Why even try? I know Ruben already used up all the "charming chubby guy" mojo, but there's still room for a guy like you in the show. You just need to lose the shades and forced stylization and stop acting so tough. Smile a little, speak up, and be who you are. No, you don't have a chance at winning. But you can stay on longer than Nikko and Anthony if you find a role to play in your audience's hearts. "Thug" isn't the right choice. Try "big buddy" and see what happens. Oh, and your song choice could use some work, too. Think contemporary, people! Don't you know it's teenage girls who are voting for you guys?
Vonzell Solomon - Vonzell, I have a crush on you. Maybe it's because you're everything my wife isn't (mainly, tall, black and on TV). Or maybe I just remember your great performances in auditions and know you'll soon bust out with something memorable. Either way, my only request is that you push your voice a little harder and dress a little sluttier. Did I say that out loud? How naughty of me. Finally, please don't wear any more cowboy hats, no matter who gave them to you. I'm pretty sure there weren't many six-foot-tall black cowgirls in the old west, so that's a niche that the audience may find hard to relate to.
A month ago, when my family was in town for Josie's birth, my mom and I had an exchange I found funny. She was commenting on how much TV I watch. I said, "Mom, I work for a television network!" She replied, "But you've always watched too much TV." I couldn't argue. "It was research," I claimed. "Look where it got me!"
Although the amount of TV I watch has remained pretty much the same throughout my life, my viewing choices have constantly changed. I thought it would be interesting (though only to me) to look back and see how my television tastes have evolved over the years. (If "evolved" is even the right word...)
When I hit ten or eleven years of age, I became a sucker for fantasy films (Neverending Story, The Last Unicorn) and cheesy space epics (series like Star Trek and Buck Rogers, and movies like The Black Hole and The Last Starfighter). I had already developed some escapist tendencies, and movies like these (along with the fantasy novels I was reading) helped me get away from my crazy real world.
High School should've meant less TV and more time spent with friends and chasing girls. It didn't. I didn't have much interest in girls yet, and my friends were too geeky to have killer parties (or to own cars). So being older just meant that I was allowed to stay up later and watch even more television, in the form of action-adventure series like Automan, Manimal, The Misfits of Science (starring Courtney Cox!), Night Rider, and The A-Team.
By about my fifth year of college, I had developed enough of a social life that it was hard to sit down for a full hour of TV. I fed my need for the boob tube by watching half-hour chunks of "Must-See TV." I became a sitcom fan for the first time in my life (not counting when Cheers and The Cosby Show were on--I watched those two shows like everyone else). I started tuning in to Friends, Seinfeld, The Simpsons, and eventually newer sitcoms like News Radio and Spin City.
When my wife, Alecia, moved to Atlanta to join me, I made yet another change. She was a fan of the (then) new trend of makeover shows. I watched them with her. E! Fashion Emergency and other fashion makeover stories like that, but also Trading Spaces, While You Were Out, etc. I actually still enjoy shows like that, but I only catch them when she's watching them (nowadays, her faves are Curb Appeal, Design on a Dime, Designer's Challenge and Decorating Cents). Although a lot of guys may laugh at shows like that, I have to admit they've helped my sense of style, in and out of the house. After a few seasons of What Not to Wear, I can break down the flaws in a wardrobe like nobody's business (and I can make semi-stylish choices when it comes to wall colors and furnishings). So, yay for me.
Now that I've spelled out all of my television-viewing history, I can't help but wonder what will come next. More than that, I wonder if anyone actually read this whole post. How boring it must have been! I heartily apologize.
Maybe I'll go back to writing about my scrotum in my next post. That has to be more exciting...