television: April 2005 Archives

The other day, just out of curiosity, we recorded an episode of Meet the Barkers on the ReplayTV.

I've never been a fan of "day in the life" reality shows. I was over The Osbournes as soon as I saw how annoying Kelly and Jack were. I couldn't watch fat Anna Nicole wallow in the haze of her painkillers. I found Nick and Jessica to be a total waste of breath. So why did we record Meet the Barkers? Because we're complete idiots, who apparently can't resist the premise of Miss USA married to a punk rocker.

What was the show like? It was exactly like every other one of those "day in the life" shows. Seriously. Some of the events and scenes seemed to be directly ripped from those other shows, even though they were supposedly normal events in these people's lives.

Shanna's dog pooped all over the house (as previously seen in The Osbournes). Travis and Shanna switched roles for a day (as seen in Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica). Shanna met with people about a product line (as seen in The Anna Nicole Show). Travis had surgery on his hurt foot (as seen in Newlyweds and The Osbournes). Both Shanna and Travis acted like their lives were SO complicated and difficult, while maids cleaned their houses and nannies took care of their kids so the hard-working couple could sleep all day (as seen in ALL of the aforementioned shows).

Basically, this show just reminded us how boring and out of touch rich people are...and how strangely addictive watching them can be. But we won't watch another episode. Why would we? We've already seen everything they could possibly do.

Of course, that fact didn't stop Alecia from recording and watching I Married a Princess (the Casper Van Dien/Catherine Oxenberg "day in the life" show)...

I've been watching Project Greenlight this season. This has actually been more of a challenge than you'd think, since new episodes the show are being aired on two channels (Bravo and Sci Fi) at constantly changing times, which messes with my ReplayTV settings and leads to a lot of duplicate episodes being saved.

I never really got into the show's first few seasons. I did watch The Battle of Shaker Heights (and almost enjoyed it), but watching a film produced by the contest didn't make me want to watch the whole process behind the film. This time around, however, they're producing a cheesy horror movie, which is right up my alley. So far, the show has been enjoyable. Instead of working with the Indy studio they normally run with, the Project Greenlight producers are doing their film with Dimension, the edgy wing of Miramax Films, with the goal being to make money at any cost. This makes for some great drama, as their film noir-styled director battles the money men and fights for creative control of his project.

Already, the director has been sabotaged by a self-serving casting agent and has had major friction with his Director of Photography. While airing these conflicts, the show's producers are doing a good job of keeping much of the movie, itself, under wraps. For example, they have yet to show the monster design, or give away key plot points. This is important if they want the people that watch the show to pay $8 to see the movie.

But something I saw in this week's episode made me laugh and made me realize how unreal this reality show is. See, as opposed to most reality shows that use real people who want to be actors, this show features a lot of actors who are far from being real people. And this is where the surreal comedy comes from.

On the most recent episode, which covered the first week of filming, we got to meet the "all-star" cast of Feast, the Project Greenlight movie. Stop me when you recognize a name:

Navi Rawat .... Heroine
Henry Rollins .... Coach
Duane Whitaker .... Boss Man
Balthazar Getty .... Bozo
Jenny Wade .... Honey Pie
Krista Allen .... Tuffy
Anthony 'Treach' Criss .... Vet
Eric Dane .... Hero
Judah Friedlander .... Beer Guy
Diane Goldner .... Harley Mama
Clu Gulager .... Bartender
Somah Haaland .... Charlie
Tyler Patrick Jones .... Cody
Jason Mewes .... Edgy Cat
Mike J. Regan .... The Creature (s)
Eileen Ryan .... Grandma
Gary J. Tunnicliffe .... The Creature (s)
Josh Zuckerman .... Hot Wheels

Not exactly a Who's Who in Hollywood, huh? Sure, we all know former punk icon Henry Rollins (though not for his acting chops). And Balthazar Getty's been around for a while. And maybe independent film fans will recognize Judah Friedlander and Jason Mewes. But the rest of the cast is either unknown, or known more for their celebrity status than their work.

But having a no-name cast like this only adds to the dramedy of the show. Already, several of the cast members have started acting like primadonnas, which is hilarious when you consider who they are. For example, during some confusion on day two, several of the cast members began to complain about the delays or about not being used enough.

"Unbelievable, I've never been on a set like this before!" whines Navi Rawat. Be honest, Navi. According to IMDB, you've only ever been on eight film sets, total, and half of them were TV movies. Your claim to fame is as a guest star on the OC; you're not a Hollywood vet. Maybe, as a beginning actress you could show a little support for a beginning director?

Actress Krista Allen added, "I don't know what he wants me to do. I've never worked with a director who wodn't tell me what to do." So I'm guessing you're comparing this director with the stellar leaders you worked with on the eight Emmanuelle movies you did? (My favorite of which was the straight-to-video Emmanuelle in Space.) It was probably much easier to get direction when the only order the director had to give you was "lay back and spread 'em." Again, a little patience for the new guy, okay? You're not exactly Nicole Kidman, so don't expect him to be Stanley Kubrick on his first week.

Heck, even lowly Jason Mewes was complaining that he had errands to run and places to be. The one thing these actors and actresses all forget, of course, is that they're being paid to show up, whether they're on film or not. They're paid every day they're on set, and it's a better rate than my daily salary, that's for damn sure. Also, they forget that while they're on the job, they work for the studio. Have you ever had a job where, while you're on the clock, you felt you should be allowed to leave and run your personal errands because your boss wasn't managing your time well enough?

If the studio is paying you to sit around and play your Gameboy, that's what you should do. Quit bitching about being bored. Most people have boring jobs--ones that don't get us fame, riches, and entrance into hot parties. If you prefer being busy to being rich and famous, become a factory worker. Otherwise, bring a book to the set and make good use of the time. Lord knows you could all use some education.

I've had a small amount of exposure to what they call "talent" in the years that I've worked in the television industry. The folks I've met have ranged from "super-nice girl-next-door" to "arrogant, boorish asshole." But one thing that has been constant from person to person is that no matter how inconsequential these people are in the grand scheme of things, they're all treated like royalty by the crew and producers. I don't care if he/she's the host of an infomercial, that actor will be given the red carpet when they arrive to the set. See what it does to their egos?

Of course, it does make for funny reality TV...

Although I'm sort of enjoying the current season of 24, it's beginning to feel more and more like a guilty pleasure. The plot elements are becoming less believable, and it's beginning to make me worry that it'll soon jump the shark.

This week's episode--which I just viewed tonight, thanks to the trusty ReplayTV--is a prime example of how bad the show is getting. In this episode, Jack attempts to track down Habib Marwan before the next stage of his diabolical and mysterious plan goes into effect. Marwan has already proved to be the luckiest terrorist in existence, having been hired by the nation's biggest defense contractor without submitting to a background check, and having escaped from CTU about a dozen times due to their own blundering and in-fighting. This week, he was the beneficiary of even more of that idiocy. When CTU finally locates him (and remember, they've been hunting him for about ten episodes now), they decide to only send in about a half dozen guys, and all through the front door. "When we bust in, he'll head down this hallway," Jack states, pointing at a map of the building. "And that's where I'll get him."

Unsurprisingly, Marwan does NOT go down said hallway, and easily walks out the side door. Great plan, Jack.

But Jack Bauer isn't the only stupidhead this week. An FBI agent is sent to the apartment of one of Marwan's associates. She knocks on the door, announcing herself as FBI, but there's no answer. Realizing the door is open, she pulls out her gun and slowly enters. "Hello? FBI?" she meekly announces, stepping into the living room. Looking around, she doesn't see anyone--in the ONE room she's been in--so she holsters her gun and begins to make a phone call. She's immediately shot dead by the assassin hiding in the nearest room.

Is that how they're teaching FBI agents to clear a room? The "if one room's empty, they're all empty" technique?

These examples are just par for the course this season. Apparently, after stopping earth-shattering disasters from occuring in each of the first three seasons, the real CTU agents have all taken some much-needed vacation, leaving behind some weak imposters. And just like the unnamed, red-shirted ensign on the Star Trek landing party, each minor CTU field agent has paid for his cluelessness with his life.

But it's not just the field agents that are sucking it up. The home office seems to be staffed only by greedy, paranoid and genuinely unstable malcontents who would rather haggle salaries or fight over credit than save the world. Oh, and did I mention that there was another traitor working for CTU this year? Not counting Gael, who was only pretending to be a traitor last season, I believe that makes three wolves in sheeps' clothing in four seasons. Fool you once, CTU, yadda, yadda...

Another thing that makes me think the show is heading south is the use of torture. Every second episode, there's a torture scene. You might find Jack administering shock therapy with a laptop battery, or twisting the knife in an injured villain, or a CTU staffer experimenting with sensory deprivation and verbal abuse. I can't even count the number of people who've been denied their right to a free trial and have been sent straight to "Mr. Fixit" on this show. They've even tortured a couple of people seemingly just for kicks. Secretary Heller's son was tortured while they were trying to find out if he was involved in the Secretary's kidnapping. The results were inconclusive, and the boy hasn't been seen since. Boruz, the son of a terrorist, was tortured to give up his father's whereabouts. He also knew nothing, and has since been written out of the show. Heck, Paul the cuckolded husband was tortured by Jack, the guy who stole his wife, and still comes back to save the day (and Jack's life). Apparently, torture ain't so bad in the world of 24.

Are the writers simply trying to express the mental agony involved with having to come up with such implausible events, season after season? Or do they just like to hear people scream? Either way, the torture's starting to become...well, torture.

In discussions that took place last season with other family members and friends who watch 24, I came up with some suggestions on how they can extend the show's life and continue the tension without going off the deep end. Well into the fourth season--although how far in is difficult to determine since they stopped letting us know how many hours have passed--I still think these tricks would work.

First off, they need to kill off Jack Bauer. He's already died once (his heart was stopped in season two, I believe), so it wouldn't be anything new. Whatever they decide to subject him to now would be unbelievable, anyway. He's already done it all. And rumor has it that Kiefer, himself, proposed the death of Jack while they were shooting the first season. That may be the first time in history that an actor has suggested killing off his own character.

Once Jack is gone, they also need to leave LA and forget about CTU--at least this branch of it. The drama between Tony and Michelle was stale last season. Chloe's whining is becoming repetitive, and no other CTU characters have any charm. Plus, it's unbelievable that LA would be the source of every major attack on the US government, while terrorists totally ignore, oh, I dunno, WASHINGTON DC. I suggest they leave CTU LA behind and set the next season in another major (or minor) US city. Or, better yet, they set the whole show on another continent.

It may sound like a radical shift, but what if the show was about a soldier who got separated from his platoon in Iraq during a raid, and only had 24 hours to catch up to them before he was left behind? Or what about a situation where a terrorist was planning something for a world summit in London, and a multinational group of experts had to stop him? Yes, the locations would be expensive, but imagine the great accents on the international cast! My point is that disasters and violence happen in other places besides LA, and the show may not be able to survive another season of drama in that same city with the same unlucky people.

Something definitely needs to be done, before they start working in UFO plots and bringing people back from the dead for sweeps week.

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On a somewhat unrelated note, while I was watching 24 tonight, about three minutes of the show were interrupted by an Amber Alert, breaking news of a missing child. It caused me to miss a key plot point, but I'm not at all complaining. How can you? God forbid that one of my children should ever go missing, but if they do, I'd whip the ass of anyone who suggested his/her viewing pleasure shouldn't be interrupted for the sake of the kid. I hope the missing little boy is already back in his mother's arms.